AND FOR
THE FIRST SEVEN MONTHS
As told by her father Derek Hoare
(This posting is a collection of many of this blog's postings put in chronological order. If you would prefer to read it in parts you can do so at
http://ronunruhgps.blogspot.ca/2012/04/plea-for-ayn-part-1of15.html where Ron Unruh presents this document in 15 parts)
PLEA FOR AYN
My name is Derek I am a single father of three wonderful young children, aged 9, 10 and 11; my youngest two have both been diagnosed with severe autism. Though a constant and challenging struggle, I have done my best to protect and nurture them, as I love them so much and have dedicated my life to their achievement of happiness. My youngest child is a bright and beautiful little spitfire named Ayn. She has and is blossoming so well here at home and has come so far to overcome her obvious disability, she does however continue to struggle and outburst when in other environments, particularly at school.
Ayn is naive and unaware of the dangers that exist in the world at large, so when on Sunday June 12th she escaped the backyard we were very worried for her safety. With each passing moment the likelihood that something terrible had happened increased, as Ayn should stand out from other children easily and should have been quickly spotted. Fortunately Ayn was discovered two doors down playing in a neighbours backyard, the neighbour had taken an afternoon nap which provided Ayn with the ability to play undisturbed. The challenges I have faced in caring for my daughter have been encompassing and life altering, these challenges are very dynamic and new challenges arise as fast as the old one depart. Now with her discovery of the neighbours nearby trampoline and pool, she will undoubtedly seek to return there, vigilance will be required to face this new found challenge, but it is one which I must now face just as I have with each prior challenge and as i would have to with our future challenges as well. As it stands today I may never get that opportunity.
On the morning of June 16th two workers from CPS arrived at my home to request that I "voluntarily" give Ayn over to them (she was at school at the time), if I refused they would simply coercively remove her. There should be no illusions here when someone approaches you and says "give me your child or i'm taking her" you should not pretend that any such choice would be done "voluntarily".
Within hours of her removal Ayn had hospitalized and drugged with powerful neuroleptics, one of which at double the maximum daily dose. Her whereabouts has been concealed from me, due to me refusing to sign the voluntary agreement. And I will not be given the opportunity to argue before an impartial court as per why this was a wrongful removal for months. After twelve days of hospitalization, in which the hospital noted "no bruises or evidence of physical abuse and her body status showed no evidence of neglect" , and "Initially there was some suspicion of ADHD along with autistic aggression, but this dissipated as Ayn improved...".
The hospital insisted on discharging her (June 28th), she is now in foster care awaiting further hospitalization as the Ministry has waitlisted Ayn for a longer term residential based psychiatric assessment. My little girl is autistic, she does not require a psychiatric assessment, I am aware that she does not understand the dangers that lurk, I love her and I protect her, when Ayn has a tantrum at school it is me they either call in to calm her or send her home to, when she is injured it is to me whom she turns because she "needs a bandage". The greatest successes this little girl has had were nurtured in the home, she loves it here, she loves her brothers and she loves her Dad, It is my firm belief that if our system of child protection has reached a point where a happy thriving child who was not abused and in no need of medicating, can be coercively removed from their family, forcibly medicated within hours, denied access to that family punitively, and the family is given no redress for months potentially years; then we are indeed facing a serious systemic problem. A problem which unfortunately is not confined to my city or province, nor even my country, for these acts are playing out around the world. Please help me get my little girl back and to address this issue in such a way that it never affects another family again.
I would be forever in your debt,
Derek (July28th, 2011)
The preceding was updated on the 28th of July, and with a meeting on the 29th at my home with a social worker from the MCFD, came many new developments. I hesitate to sound overly optimistic, but what a difference: a day, the public spotlight and an experts opinion can make. Though I still lack a firm commitment from the Ministry, they have informed me that Ayn's case has now been reviewed by their resident autism expert. This expert has advised them against placing Ayn in the psychiatric facility, why this expert was not introduced to this case earlier is unknown. In addition the Ministry has ironically informed me that all they would like to see is for Ayn to have proper supports in place, something which I have been advocating for years now. With these supports in place she can come home... reason to rejoice? Perhaps, but without a firm Ministerial commitment to this I cannot relent in my quest for her return. Nor will I relent in my advocacy for the reformation necessary to prevent these systemic failures from ever effecting another family as it has mine. And I ask the same of all those whom have chosen to support Ayn, myself. and all those families facing this threat in the future. Please join us in ensuring Ayn comes home promptly and a positive reformation of the very system which allowed and endorsed these unjust actions. (Aug 1)
It's September 16th, day 93 I guess.
Ayn at present is in a foster home, living in a separate suite downstairs with 24 hr caregivers. She is being medicated daily with Risperdal, and sporadically "as needed" with Seroquel if she tantrums. Benadryl and melatonin are also administered. Both Risperdal and Seroquel are neuroleptic (nerve seizing) atypical antipsychotics, with long lists of side effects.
She attends the same school she did last year, as a result of which I have had to move Lyric to a new school, which fortunately does seem to be very suited to his needs. Wyatt is studying the eucaryotic cell, learning about integers and working away on a book report about the revolutionary war.
Today for me was a bit of recovery, since yesterday morning was surreally difficult. The reason being that I am facing a process which is multifaceted yet each path takes months.... months.... It has already been months, why subject her to this? Because she was unruly? Because she knew just how to get her way at school and bullied them around. She is a little autistic girl, she doesn't understand how sentient we all are, this is her universe and she does not want to be told what to do in it... but she is learning. And she has gotten so much better, I know what the school is facing I have faced it too. But long ago I succeeded in teaching Ayn that violence will not get her what she wants, that she needs to use her words. The school system I'm afraid is simply not ready for some autistic kids just as they are not ready for it.
Ayn is a very bright little girl, her disability does not lie in her vocabulary or intelligence but in her social interaction. She is affectionate and caring but solitary and emotional. She loves music and art, photography and the internet. She does not need to be drugged for her "well being" she was perfectly happy in the home. And when I think about this taking months longer I am flooded with a range of emotions.
So today I spent the morning getting the boys on task, I had a meeting with community services at 10:30 til 12. Chasing moments here and there to work on what I can, always able to think about this but time to work on it is more limited. Kim has been a huge help, he watches the boys daily at this point, which is fun to watch as Wyatt and Kim try to make each other and lyric laugh. Budding comedians.
I know the issue of visitation is extremely divisive, and that my view is likely in the minority... but I want people to understand this was made neither lightly nor thoughtlessly... I do so long to see her believe me. And hence I can completely understand peoples reasons for doing so, it is the natural response; I must however look at this in a long term manner... when Ayn comes home and this is... "behind us", will she feel safe, will she know that I would not leave her behind.
If you view this for a moment and imagine yourself the victim of an assault laying there pleading for help, or to come home. And your loved one arrives... you are so happy to see them as they are you, but rather than take you away from the situation they walk away leaving you there.... now when it is over and you return.... how do you view that person? What sort of betrayal would you feel... you may be able to understand judicial processes and rationalize why the person left you there... Ayn does not. All she will know is that I would walk away and leave her there rather than honour her wish to come home. that I had the ability to save her but walked away instead... who can she then trust?? that is a permanent realization it does not go away.
Many of my closest allies and advisors in this, think I should see her, but they respect my view as I do theirs. For me this is not about satiating a short term desire for us to see each other, this is not about alleviating short term sadness... but is about preserving Ayn's long term belief that in this world she is curiously struggling to understand there are those who will always fight in her defense. She will not understand the nuances of government policy or judicial processes.
What Ayn knows is that "Daddy's coming" she knows this... we have a bond that ensures her trust in me. I love her... she loves me.... she knows I will always look out for her... and i'm trying. is this hard yes, very. I cry so much over her absence, I relish everything that reminds me of her. But she will be back and she will know that her home is a safe place and that Daddy never gave up.
Sept 17........... Day 94
It's hard to stay aware of the bubble I find myself in, always reading these documents, white papers and transcripts. I try to follow cases everywhere yet focus on BC and the CFCSA. The legislation across the western world seems to be crafted very similarly, as if each modelled off the same template. Quite foreboding reading, it does however tend to distort ones perception of the present. ...Hence I have to be ever aware of all elements of policy transformation. Simultaneously I have two boys to care for, a household to manage, therapy to structure and memories of a little girl suffusing my every thought. Every minute becomes very precious and prioritized, there is simply not enough time in the day to accomplish everything I would like to.
Spent quite a bit of time talking to Amie last night, we discussed the visitation, something we strongly disagree on. Amie and myself are both very thoughtful and stubborn people, but easily find union on one very important matter.... our love for our kids. We do not question one anothers motives. This decision of mine has been an incredibly difficult one and quite controversial, I will endeavour in the coming days to justify my actions in a doc, as many have questioned my rationale. This whole nightmare seems to get more surreal as the days pass. If anyone has a question they would like me to address here feel free to PM me or email me at: iconoclast_ensues@yahoo.com , let me know if you would like your name included with the question, or if you would just like to hear the answer.
Sept 18............Day 95
Was a very busy day today, Lyric finally starts school tomorrow and wanted to make sure everything was ready. Wyatt also has been working with his microscope a lot and he needed help preparing slides. Got to spend some time talking with an old friend too, he was able to help me keep things in perspective and redirect my energies.
Ayn never drifts far from the forefront of my mind though... it's like an ever present void, not the existence of something but the lack thereof. This house once teemed with her sounds: blaring cartoons, music, singing and laughter... filled now with eerie quiet. So much of what we did as a family centered around Ayn, she was very often the navigator of this ship.
Lyric is always so happy go lucky and Wyatt is considerate so Ayn often selected our activities. She loved to bake, chocolate chip cookies or pink cake, she knows every ingredient and measurement we need. But definitely her favourite thing was to listen to music and write, such a creative little girl... now dulled and sedated.
Really makes you wonder how such treatment could be considered to be in her best interest... within hours of removal without ever having spoken to me or anyone else who knew her. Where is the logic... where is the reason... where is the empathy?
Sept 19...........Day 96
Was Lyric's first day of school today, he has to catch the bus a 10 min walk away at 7:30, so he's about to become quite the early riser. The day went very well, the building is very big compared to any of his previous schools, this is a middle school grades 6, 7, 8. Lyric was very awestruck to the point of excitement, wanted to explore everything and settled right into the class/ resource room as if it were his own.
The teacher seems really good, perhaps too good, was an athletic man and the room is staffed by 6 TA's, these people are more experienced with someone of Lyric's size. There are several other autistic children as well as some adorable down syndrome kids, we all went for a walk to the local park and played on the equipment there.
Was a good day, funny too because there happened to be an assembly that morning, Lyric stood in the main foyer on a stage, and flapped happily away at all the kids as they meandered past on their way to assembly. I am sure he made quite the impression... the world is such a joyous place for Lou (Lyric's nickname).
Wyatt is still plugging away with his microscope, making observations and sketches on just about anything magnifiable.
I have been struggling with pressure exerted from all sides on my decision not to see Ayn, not that I'm wavering just wish my reasoning was better understood. Will write something up for everyone soon.
Sept 20................Day 97
Ok so have written this a few times, Lou keeps coming and closing my tab as soon as I get up to do anything, so cannot move til this is done this time. The day began with Lyric in the bathroom with diarhea and not toilet paper... fun fun. After averting the disaster in progress came breakfast then got Wyatt to continue his work on energy technologies.
Spent much of the day pondering the upcoming interviews. The MCFD social worker arrived 30 min early and we began the meeting with an offer and summation of services the MCFD was willing to provide for me to help my kids. After which we moved on to the interviews; Wyatt was to go first followed by Kim then myself. I was told each interview would take apx 30 min, watching the clock as Wyatt was down there seemed to tick by, took over one hour. The questions he was asked centered on his role within the family, and his daily routine; the standard MCFD questions about punishments and fear were also touched upon.
Kim's interview as well largely seemed to center on his role within the family. When my turn arrived I was informed the questions for me were largely pointless as we had covered my answers in previous encounters. Instead we engaged in what appeared to be a rapport building exercise, we both spoke of our pasts and tried to get a feel for who the other was as a person. Was quite interesting.
I know many thought Wyatt being interviewed alone was unadvisable, suspicion also abounded over the timing of these interviews. But it was in fact me who kept pointing out to MCFD that these interviews had never been done , and that any investigation into the validity of their decision would presumably include a view into the household, why it is that it took until day 97 for them to interview Kim and Wyatt is beyond me.
Now I am admittedly biased but I believe the deeper the understanding of my situation the clearer the injustice of this should become. Time will tell once we see their "interpretation" of our answers.
Sept 20.....................Day 97
I just received an inquisitive email seeking more info on Ayn, as many answers to questions are now buried under hundreds of posts, this was my response:
Ayn's behaviour at school was violent and aggressive, but it was the school that formented that behaviour as her "safety plan" they had in place required them to allow her to go calm down if she ever became so. Ayn learned that in order to be in control of her own time at school she had to get aggressive or violent, that if she asked or even got a little upset she was simply redirected back to her task at hand. However if she exhibited extreme aggressive behaviour than she was allowed to go sit in a rocking chair and listen to music or go to her "calm down room".
In the home I experienced all of those behaviours as well, but with time and understanding they dissipated three years ago, as Ayn learned that violence would not get her what she wanted in the home... here she had to use her words.
I did have many measures in place to protect Ayn and her brother Lyric who also has autism. I lock the exterior doors of the house with key locks from the inside, this is because though i do not experience the violence the school does she is still naive as is her brother and they are liable to walk out the front door, plus it makes it much easier to know where they are. I lock up the food in a pantry, as well as the toiletries as these will be wasted in play (bubbles and the like), the bulk of the remaining extreme measures I undergo at home involve repairs, as the children are very hard on thigns and continue to misuse items... vacuums, toilets, VCR tapes, the sink, etc are often all toys for them. Her nudity is an ongoing problem though she has gotten better with that too.
She is enrolled in a public school but is isolated from the populous of the school, and is assigned 2 fulltime TA's. Academically the school has struggled with Ayn, failing to consistently get her under "instructional control", they have never taught her past grade 1, at home however Ayn learns like a sponge and i have taught her enough to catch up and surpass her peers in many ways. She began at this new school at the beginning of last school year (sept 2010) and they began to assess her level... she demonstrated the ability to do her own grade level (4), so they gave her grade 5, she could do that too so they moved her onto grade 6 work (thinking perhaps the outbursts were due to boredom).
Ayn is highly intelligent yet severely delayed in her ability to converse, her ability to understand is great and her ability to express her self is good as well, however there is a bridge to gap with respect to her ability to have two way conversations. And she is still very much interested in preschool type shows or movies, she is a very innocent and naive little girl who really does not yet understand that this is not Her planet to do with as she wants. But she is learning and growing... drugging her is not only unnecessary but reprehensible as she is bright and just needs to be shown how to properly get what she wants.
In school however the expectations levied against her in terms of how her time is spent was unacceptable to her. She needs to be taught by providing her choices and allowing her to direct her learning... with my role as parent to be to control the available choices... in that manner Ayn has excelled.
If you have any further questions let me know please, well informed and thoughtful advice can only serve to benefit me. And the better you understand this situation I believe the greater you will see the injustice of this and of what continues to be done to her. She is at present being give 2 neuroleptic atypical antipsychotics, one consistently and the other reserved for when she gets upset... to "calm" her. As her parent this is a nightmare... I love my daughter... I love her free spirit... and I love her will power... I see no reason for the government to coercively medicate her into submission."
Sept 23...............Day 100!
Been spending these days leading up to the conclusion of the presentation hearing (touch wood) researching a variety of elements pertaining to the use of drugs vs ABA therapy and the various programs which could be set up to address this rather than drugging Ayn in school.
Boggles my mind that I am even in this fight, never would have imagined I'd be faced with battling my own government over whether or not they can coercively medicate my daughter. Some decisions should simply be left with the family and if they did not like it perhaps they could take the time to educate themselves on my daughter and approach me rationally. The reality is they do claim the right to be able to do this to us at their will, and as I am finding out there is no way to escape the maw without facing it head on and going through it.
Frankly this is not their decision, and if they wanted to emulate the successes I was having in the home in the school environment then why would we drug her senses. It is not their brain to drug... and they can mind their own damn business. Since when is it that they believe they received the right to pump chemicals into a child without the permission of parents....?
Because one ministry (education) cannot handle her, another (MCFD) can remove and yet another (health) medicate, all while waiting for yet a fourth ministry (justice) even authorize the removal??? Where does the family sit?... We wait and watch... facing apologies for heavy caseloads and a lack of resources. One parent's nightmare.
Sept 26....................Day 103
The long awaited hearing date, my mom picked up Amie early and came over to my house, I kept Lyric home from school, and we sat together awaiting the fate which lay ahead. Was not an incredibly upsetting day for me as I had prepared myself for this moment and was made aware of this outcome on Day 5 by my lawyer... No shock... No tears... No disbelief. Just a rush of sympathy for Ayn and how much longer she has to sit drugged in a basement. I hope they are being good to her. I hope they see how sweet she can be, and realize just how smart and understanding a child they are now caring for. I have spent the last 9 years of my life protecting her from all the dangers that lurk yet always trying to let her test her limits and to learn that she can overcome these obstacles placed before her. To have that responsibility ripped from me under the guise of helping either her or myself is a monstrous paradox. Why not just expel her? I'd even happily endure exile than subject my child and family to this sort of "help". Ignorance and power are not to be mixed, and here we have built a system which though may be marginally successful at protecting the innocent child from an abusive family; conversely abuses any innocent family caught within its "protection".
Oct 3
Been far too long since I wrote an update just been swamped with so much preparation, I will endeavour to write an update each night at 11:30 even if brief. All the different facets of having a child removed keep you ever switching gears... and emotions.
Today I was pouring through boxes in my garage, searching for a book, and gathering any pertinent old paperwork, have so many photos and pieces of artwork, baby teeth, first hair cuts, homemade birthday cards and ornaments. Was absolutely heartwrenching. Still have to sort through it too... it almost feels like she's dead.
That my little girl who didn't come home from school that day, never will come home the same again. I am not sure if one can imagine the sadness and fury which something like that would invoke... the lengths and hours I have spent protecting and nuturing her... the innocence of a wild animal. And this being done in the name of "helping" us, my daughter is too wild for them to handle, they don't want to put in the time to get to know her or... get her to know them, to develop a sense of shared empathy.
I know it will be Ayn who returns, but there will be something more, a view of the world which no child should have to perceive. I will have to spend countless hours just trying to make her feel safe evermore, I could not imagine walking around throughout my day, believing that at any moment people could grab me and lock me up in a huge, sterile, unknown building and inject me... drug me... not tell me what is happening, what I did, why I am here, where is my family, when can I go home?
I really cannot stress enough how close Ayn and me are... these people have no idea what they have done... what it is they are trying to destroy. And to try to do it under the guise of good intentions and the rule of law. Reminds me of the Orwell line from Animal farm "All animals are equal... but some animals are more equal than others", by what conceivable right do these people think they are operating?
Amie messaged me today, and told me that Ayn asked for the "Finding Ayn" photo I made, Ayn knows I am coming to get her, she knows I won't stop. The government has told me from near the beginning (July 4th) they are working to return her to me, it is almost October 4th.... for what? Because you can? Because you're tough? Because you want to see what we'll do? What we will stand for? I am sick of hearing that paramount is my child's best interest... most of these people do not know the first thing about autism and some have the dignity to admit it, and they certainly do not know my daughter. I do.
Oct 4
Never enough hours in the day, with so much to do and consciousness so rewarding, sleep seems to be a daily foe. Am getting up at 5:30-5:45 these days, have to get Lou up no later than 6:30 and be out the door to walk him to the bus by 7:15. Wyatt has taken a strong turn for the sciences this year, focusing on cell biology, energy technology, and chemistry.
As of late I have been working out the details of running a program, for Lyric and Ayn. One which I am to set up both in the home for Lyric and in the foster home for Ayn. Significant resources have been made available to me by MCFD for this endeavour, and I'd like to set up the best program I can for the money.
Judicially things as always are creeping along, next hearing on the 18th and I believe it is the commencement of the protection hearing/process. Not really sure what exactly happens at it to be honest, which in itself is frustrating... they have your child, your told to sit and wait your turn throughout this long and tedious process... and one which really I do not even understand. I think a case conference will be scheduled at that time and I believe the MCFD either returns or asks for a TCO (temporary custody order), but again I really couldn't say for sure.
Mediation has also been put forth and our informal meetings have been based on her return... the biggest impediment to a prompt return at this point seems to be this psychiatric assessment they want completed. When removed, their plan was to place her into P1 residential psychiatric for a minimum 6wk assessment, though they knew I disapproved and that I maintain Ayn is autistic and autistic only. Around 6 weeks after removal the MCFD autism specialist got to view her file and advised against placing her in P1 (thank you). They however have not relented and have instead opted to do the assessment on an outpatient basis, I am not at all aware of how that process is proceeding.
Closing in on 2am, and still a ton of reading to do, will fall asleep doing so.
Oct 5
Continued the sorting of all my photos, keepsakes, and old paperwork. Found some interesting POPARD reports and many of Ayn's precious writings. Will scan a bunch in this weekend and get them posted for everyone. It is very hard to look through those items, yet at the same time it is incredibly inspirational. I am quite literally falling asleep sitting here writing this (2:38 am) I will finish it up in the morning.
Oct 6
Well it was quite the rollercoaster today, feeling a bit uplifted because the programs and resources being offered to Ayn and Lyric are generous, temporal but generous. My role in setting up these programs is being respected and I believe if properly implemented will be of great benefit to them both. I was accepted today as well into the at home program for Lyric which is additional resources also being allocated towards proper treatment.
The IEP meeting though seemingly important is actually fairly inconsequential as I have done so many now and never have a big problem getting the school to focus on what I feel is important for the kids, not that they are always successful but they do generally word the IEP such that I agree with the stated goals. I presume tomorrow will be no different. May be awkward as I also presume the foster mother could be there as will the staff whom I know well and who have been up until tomorrow not allowed to discuss her with me.
The day then took a big 180 when Amie arrived after her visit and informed me she was told and provided paperwork indicating that they would not return Ayn to me without me first visiting. To be honest it still has not been fully processed by my brain. When I first found out I immediately began thinking about its significance, and was quite saddened, I then received a phone call from a group member and though upset we spoke and she helped to calm and redirect me. Since then I have been rather busy and though I know the wheels are turning inside my head about it all I have not had the opportunity to sit and ponder it at length.
The rest of the documents are positive steps towards return and future support, and I no longer see a reference to a psychiatric assessment, not sure why that is. There is mention of the medication and that they will be seeking a 90 TCO in order to implement their goal: a return to me.
And so now I ponder... what to do... what will be said to me tomorrow?
A day full of meetings, I will be meeting three separate people with the SW who will then also be bringing me to the IEP meeting and home....
and all this will begin presumably with them telling me that if I do not see her they won't return her.
Oct 8
Not a lot to report for this day as the previous days events have still not fully sunk in or been analyzed in totality... I am very grateful to everyone on the Group who have really poured a lot of their hearts and minds into this. It helps so much to be able to think things through with so many contributing perspectives.
Still not sure how to proceed so the day was spent trying to continue the thought process started yesterday.
I did somehow sleep for 10 1/2 hrs last night more than I have gotten in 20yrs... mind you this isn't a complaint really... as I choose not to sleep, I so much prefer consciousness and it seems that there is so much to learn and experience who has time for sleep :) . So rested and driven I proceed.
Oct 11
Arg I missed two days again, bad too because I have been up late and could have made the time, but it slips my mind when prioritizing on the fly. Well here now. Was a good day for me made progress on several levels, and thought over a lot of things.
Tomorrow I will try to assemble a list of each thing I would like to accomplish prior to the 18th, won't likely be able to get it all done, but will juggle through what I can. Have to simultaneously begin to set up ABA programs, in two locations... now one being in the home that is no prob, however exactly how I go about implementing a program for Ayn in a household I haven't met will be rather hard.
Regardless of my stance on Ayn I am going to have to meet the FP soon I think, not sure how else to do it. These programs are a significant priority and I would like to get as much done on them as possible by myself before the consultant arrives. Have met some great people on the group to help with this... I hope they're ready for me to pester them.
I am very excited about these programs as for so many years I have wanted this sort of thing, but never have been financially able. I remember back when we were running the under six programs for Ayn and Lyric in the home 30 hrs per week... we used Michelle Auton who had been battling the government over providing necessary therapy for her autistic son. Was quite the primer for what was to come, have been fearful of what services would be available to them as they entered into school.
Our funding is cut under the guise that the school is too make up the slack, the reality is that schools do not match up to intensive ABA, not their fault per se, they are simply not provided the resources to accomplish the task. They too struggle tooth and nail for many kids to get more services or to get help with situations they lack the expertise to address.
Ayn's school was filled with dedicated caring people, but they could scarcely get access to any expert services for her... this has to be fixed. A condition which is clearly a medical one yet gets treated as a problem for the schools... almost every year I am in to see a doctor to have them sign another form saying my kids are autistic, yet their therapy is not covered under our medical system. Yet they will quickly involve the medical community to drug them, clearly by force if necessary when the school proves to be unable to cope with certain autistic behaviours like violence or self injury... scary... frustrated...things must change.
Oct 12
Was Wyatt's birthday today, we spent alot of time together, talked about Ayn and what we would do once she was back home. Tried to get him to focus on what was in his power to change or improve upon, that Ayn will be coming home and we will do everything we can to ensure that something like this never happens again. He has such a beautiful and pure sense of right and wrong, but does not understand the sociological nuances of empowering that which is right without allowing coercion to simply persist.
A lot of people understand right and wrong but do not understand that to force someone to be "right" is in itself wrong.
I hope to continue this fight long after Ayn is returned so that she nor any other has to face this sort of treatment in the future. It is not what is being done to Ayn that is wrong, so much as why and how. There are children who may benefit from this, but that decision should be left up to the family not forced upon an entire populous... though not every one of us will ever be subjected to it, we are living with a system which believes it has the right to do this to its people against their will.... The system is wrong, we built it, we support it, and we can abolish it.
To replace a tyranny of the minority with a tyranny of the majority is still tyranny.
My daughter is being held against her will and mine, all with the intent on making her more manageable, to force "help" upon her... all the while acknowledging they do not know her and do not even care to hear about her... yet they know best and I can sit down shut up and wait my turn. grr
Oct 13
I surround myself with things of Ayn's, her sheets are on my bed, her photo placed directly in my field of view by the computer, her mickey mouse toy beside me, her songs often playing, I read her words written on my walls which I have refused to wash off, wish I hadn't spend the hours washing the rest of her words off either, I would be surrounded by them now if I hadn't.
It is not that I am worried I'll forget her, or that I need inspiration... it is simply for comfort.... a physical manifestation of her presence in my mind. It really takes alot of rationalization to calmly proceed whilst this is being done to her, a parents urge is to rush to their child, danger be damned. This is of course impossible because now I am facing kidnapping by the State, and they are unmatched in their ability to use force, those institutions conceived to defend our rights, have become aggressive violators of them.
So I sit, I plan, I prepare, but I cannot go get my daughter.
I hear many many people say just do what they tell you and it will be fine.... really... where is the logic in this statement?? Has that worked in the past? Do people not see the fallacy in that statement? How has subservience to the State worked to benefit mankind in the past? If I were to adopt that tenet Ayn would not be any safer from this... we cannot succumb to apathy, and I sure hope we haven't been so beaten that we will allow strangers to come and take and drug our children. If no-one stands up and says "no this is wrong!"... how is it we expect it to change?
Obedience does not inherently culminate in safety or everything being "fine". We often defer to others on decisions where we understand our limited expertise, but when that deference is forced upon an entire populous, we are in alot of trouble.
The liberty my daughter has lost is not isolated... this is not just one little retarded girl... this is an encompassing decision that must be recognized and resisted. I love her, I will not give up on her just as I love that which is good in humanity and will not give up on it. I love life, apathy is my enemy, I will obey no-one.
I do what I'm told out of reason not coercion.
Oct 14
I have been reading much of my written work on here, and acknowledge the political nature of much of it. I also recognize that many may not view this as a political action as I do. In fact many may retreat from the very notion of politics; I am a political animal, we all are. I do think in those terms and I do see the coercive nature of these actions levied upon my daughter and myself (amongst others). I cannot separate the two as they are inseparable, this could not have happened in a different political environment.
The pervasive belief has become one in which everything is up for a vote... I believe in inalienable rights. I believe this action simply is not one which is up to them, I care not what note they wrote themselves to say they are allowed...................
some things are simply not up to them. The governments rightful function is to defend our rights, not to take care of us, but to keep us free from coercion so that we may take care of ourselves. This stance has of course become marginalized as more and more we witness the government's role in our lives expanding.
Ayn is a victim of a political decision, a view that we are servants of the government rather than it a servant of us.
Did my daughter need help? Yes, of course, all children need help.... was she getting the help she needed?
They do not care, her life was ignored, all that mattered was the uninformed opinion of one social worker, a woman who had never met my daughter and never cared how Ayn was doing in the home. She read some school reports thought oh boy this is concerning and then attempted to force their "help" upon us in the form of a "voluntary care agreement". This is the reality we face, this is how "voluntary" is viewed by the system, akin to a mugger asking you to voluntarily hand over your wallet.
But don't worry cause if we all give him our wallets it will be fine.... right? Wrong.
Oct 18
Arg having a hard time getting myself to remember to sit down and write these on time... I'm bad. I will set an alarm in my phone to remind me; 11:30 pm.
So this was court day, much anticipated though I was working off the assumption that it was pointless... an accurate assumption it turns out. I kept Lyric home today with the faint hope that there could be a move to return. But my understanding was that if I refused to consent to their request to a 90 day temporary custody that a case conference would be ordered to see if the two sides could come together avoiding a distant and lengthy trial.
I arrived and saw no-one there I knew... Amie hadn't arrived yet, my lawyer was nowhere in sight, nor Amie's... nobody. After entering the courthouse two group members arrived and we headed into the courtroom. I saw Amie's lawyer and MCFD's lawyer as well as the SW... still no sign of my lawyer. The hearing lasted about 10 seconds.... I did get to speak my first "word" ever in court... "ya", when asked if it was me who was present. Surreal first word and over many months in!
After the hearing, I spoke with the SW where I was informed that my visitation recommendations were rejected, to which I set up an appt for tomorrow morning to discuss. I was also informed that Ayn had again escaped from care.... this time from the foster home, while taking a bath she climbed out a 12" by 12" window 7 ft off the ground. So naked and drugged she ran off, making it to the "main street", the police were called and she was found, wrapped in a blanket and returned to the foster home. I will not be made aware of any details until at the earliest upon completion of the investigation, in fact neither will the SW of my case. And even once they find out there is no obligation to inform me of the findings.
I still have yet to hear any result from her previous escape months ago, nor on the issue of the fellow child in care watching Ayn; a 15yr old, who states that she worked the night shift with Ayn and did medicate her.
This whole thing has just been surreal like a nightmare that you never wake up from... you wake up to it.
Oct 19
Well this was certainly emotionally one of the hardest days for me to go through... it is indescribable, a rush of different emotions laced together by one thread... propensity to cause suffering. Now many may find it strange because.... well let me start from the beginning.
I awoke this morning from the first dream ever of Ayn being returned.... it was late at night, perhaps 10, and Wyatt began yelling "She's here!" or "She's home!" I said "What?!" and ran down the stairs unlocked the front door and sure enough there was Ayn accompanied by two people... I burst into tears and hugged her tighly as she did me.
"I missed you." I said. "I missed you" she replied.
We went in and upstairs and very shortly after I awoke, it was so vivid it took a few disappointing seconds to realize it was not the truth.
After getting Lyric off to school (and Wyatt having gone to Amie's yesterday), I had a few moments to try to collect my thoughts and prep mentally for the upcoming meeting with the SW.
Now it began with essentially me clearing the last hurdle to Ayn's return, visitation, an elation to be sure. After yesterday hearing that my suggested alternatives to visitation were rejected, today my offer of a "fixed return date" was accepted and I believed an agreement could be reached. For about an hour and a half ideas were tossed around and details discussed. When we reached the: ok so what date could be done, pen was put to paper... and the response was 16 weeks.... I dropped silent... closed my eyes and began to cry.
Consolement was offered as was the assurance that they were trying to help and understood that I was a "stand up guy". This essentially ended the meeting as I was unable to continue.
We meet again Friday. Now the 16weeks was the longest end of the timeframe, and the one they would commit to, it was asserted that likely it would be sooner. As early as 10 weeks.... 2 and a half more months. still putting it into January, missing her birthday, missing Christmas... though she could visit on those days. So what to do, what to do? I collected my thoughts and tried to step outside this bubble I'm in and see what way was best to proceed.
Received tons of advice and perspectives; still not sure "what to do"... but getting closer.
October 27
Wow what a busy day; tons of details to sort out, Wyatt is ill, Lori Pynn just blew me away, and I just got back from grabbing Lou from the bus stop.... ahhh parenting :) Funny y'know because immerse ourselves in our kids lives and face one challenge after the next, each with their own set of tribulations and rewards. To have others look in on your life and take no time to understand where you have come from and where you are going on that journey we call Family, and then based on those ignorant assumptions impose upon you what they perceive is "best" is an absolutely outlandish sense of justice. It is both scary and dismaying to think that I wasn't the first to go through this and will not be the last. It seems so critical that people wake up to this reality of a system so misguided it has rendered itself to be the very aggressor it was meant to protect us from.
October 29
Wow a whole week went by and no MCFD.... pretty bad when that becomes the norm. Strange cars pull in and Wyatt hides, Lyric has now set up a photo album of him and Ayn on the window sill in her bedroom which he now occupies. And I cannot stop staring at her photo which is now mounted directly above my monitor. I'll stare and ponder what is the next most important thing for me to read or write.
It seems to me really that the sluggish time factor is likely some sort of psychological mindgame against parents, like they are forcing you through the stages of grief; hoping to push you into "acceptance". Monstrous really, but they don't know Ayn and they certainly do not know Me, I will not relent and the longer they take the angrier I get... to tear a child from a parent and feed them both into a system which they believe will break that bond they have spent years forming... grrr. For me that bond grows stronger, because each minute is another little wound inflicted upon me and my family.
So it's like CPS is saying - "You guys sit and wait while we mess with your heads and hearts"... she is innocent eh... she did nothing to you... she is just a little disabled girl, who wants to live life. She does not understand how her actions could ever lead to such a thing as this. And then they expect the parents to just sit and watch it happen, to just let them tinker with their child's psyche. And for what?? They have some 4 year degree and now they know what is in "the best interest" of children? Did they study BioChem, Physics, Philosophy, Epistemology; No, they went to a lax 4 year degree and now have some belief that they are the voices for children. After an education like that you would think they would walk away realizing "family dynamics", were just that dynamic. Did they wipe our kids noses, hold their hair while they were puking, rock them to sleep, sing or read to them, laugh/cry/smile/suffer... were they even there? For them to simply assume that two disabled kids must be too hard for a single parent to handle and then act upon that nonsensical assumption... under the guise of help! We the People do not know this is what they are even doing! Before this ever happened you assume they are rescuing kids who are beaten, or tortuously punished. But to come and kidnap a child under the guise of lightening a parents load! BY WHAT RIGHT? None of us here have that right, imagine your neighbour walking in this afternoon and doing that.... criminal... so how is it we have delegated that power to them? We haven't, they simply wrote themselves a note "CFCSA" authorizing them to do it. grrr
Ayn is a little girl who loves to bake, make crafts, sing and listen to music, nice warm baths, curling up under her favourite blanket and watching a movie, taking pictures and playing Tickle Chase. She is not some uncontrollable monster as they would like to present. They can go ahead and portray her as such the only thing revealed by such a presentation is their ignorance. She was a good girl with a suffusing disability, but it did not stop her from trying, it did not stop her from learning, it did not stop her from loving... and it did not stop her from being a happy little girl. Let my Daughter be! these actions are monstrous, and to do them using nice people and in the name of "help" makes them no better. Go ahead and feed the public form responses and evade responsibility for your actions... no-one will ever notice the misguided inststutional ineptitude... right? Wrong.
Ayn in her favorite Halloween costume, but not this year!
Nov. 4
My daughter Ayn was removed from her school by the Ministry of Children and Family Development of B.C. on June 16, 2011. I was told it was to ease my burden of responsibility but this action has had an opposite affect. It has been more than four and a half months since she was apprehended.
On December 14th ten years ago when I laid eyes on her for the first time in the delivery room, my heart was hers. I have given my all for her. I would never harm her, nor have I been accused of such. I have dedicated my life to nurture and understand her.
She has been torn from her family for no apparent reason other than a perception that she was an unmanageable, deteriorating child and that far from the truth. Ayn is a wonderful caring child. It is true that she is autistic and that she has a difficulty explaining what she wants but she has an astute understanding of body language and she has a very strong will. Although Ayn is verbal and possesses a large vocabulary, she still struggles to share with others her desires, fears, and thoughts. Presently, she continues to ask for me and she continues to assert that I am coming. She knows I would not abandon her. Yet the Ministry of Children and Family Development continues to keep her from my care and custody.
On Oct 18 the government sought court approval for temporary custody for 90 days. I refused to consent to this and since this is my continued stance, an effort will be made to determine if trial is necessary or whether mutual consent can be achieved between the parties. This step is called the Case Conference and has been scheduled over 90 days away.... on Jan 23rd. If this is the case, why ask for 90 days? Why even pretend to ask? My reasons for refusal will not be heard. I continue to wait for hearing after hearing, never being given the opportunity to even speak. At the conclusion of each meeting, another one is scheduled and in effect we are shuffled to the back of the line struggling to merge schedules to obtain the next suitable date.
While in care of the Ministry, Ayn has escaped twice in four months. At the second escape she was naked, drugged, wet and wandering as far as the "main street." Police were called and she was located and returned her to caregivers. Information is not provided to me, or, I receive what the MCFD chooses to tell me. I am frequently told, "It is under investigation." However, considering that the first escape incident was months ago one should assume that something is known by now? How difficult can the investigation be about whether in her drugged condition Ayn was being watched under the care of a 15 year old fellow foster child? How much more investigation is required to determine why the window of the bathroom in which Ayn was bathing was not locked?
When the MCFD is purportedly educated to identify emotional abuse, why can abuse be ignored when MCFD is the actual source of that abuse? At home Ayn was in no greater danger than her disability naturally initiates. I am asking that she be returned to my care immediately. If MCFD is obliged to investigate then expedite that inquiry rather than separating us for over four months already with no social worker as yet asking me how Ayn was when she was in the family home, the very place from which she is being withheld. She has been returned to the school where the "deterioration" was observed. She has been returned to the foster care home from which she has twice escaped.
MCFD has offered to me unsupervised access effective immediately and yet MCFD will not return Ayn to me. This is a nightmarish power struggle for our family with an institution whose stated function is family development and whose guiding principles are: "a family is the preferred environment for the care and upbringing of children and the responsibility for the protection of children rests primarily with the parents" (CFCSA 2b) and "decisions relating to children should be made and implemented in a timely manner" (CFCSA 2g).
I have devoted my life to my children and I continue to care for my sons, one of whom is also autistic. I do this cheerfully and have never once complained about the complexities and problems I face raising two severely autistic kids. All three children and most certainly the two autistic children are happy and thriving children and there is nothing to suggest otherwise.
I am angry. I am in pain. I suffer and yet the truth is that this does not matter – Rather, my daughter Ayn is all that matters. This young girl does not deserve this traumatic interruption. Instead, she should be viewed as a citizen in the same sense as you or I, and as the social workers involved in her case and as the different judges who are giving oversight to this process. However, she is being treated like property. The sadness she experiences because of my absence from her is used against me as is my advocacy for her to get proper services. During all this time she sits in a basement wondering where her family has gone and not understanding what has happened or why. She may wonder whether she did something wrong, or whether we don’t want her anymore. She has no capacity to comprehend the Ministry's legal squabble. She knows only that she has been forcefully removed from those whom she loved and who love her and with whom she has be every day of her life before this horror. Is the horror to be regarded as acceptable because Ayn has been placed with various caregivers who are nice people? It is still not commendable that good people do the wrong things. Even caregivers are uninformed as is the public and as am I. So now we wait, past her December 14th birthday, past Christmas and New Year, for a “Case Conference” in which I will still not have opportunity to argue for her return. Instead I will receive a scheduled date when that will happen, a date which in all probability will be a year or more away. Of course this cannot be what our community expected when we created this child welfare institution.
Please help to tell Ayn’s story and thereby help her to come home. She is very special. She is a sweetheart. She needs to be with me her daddy, with her mommy and with her brothers. We love her so dearly. I will never concede, or all of this will have been for nothing and the net result will be a little disabled girl who will never know why or when she could be snatched again.
November 10
Had an incredibly difficult evening, Wyatt and me decided to tidy up the garage and began to stumble across memory after memory. Over the years I have kept so many of Ayn's precious things; from notes, cards and artwork, to hair, baby teeth and tiny articles clothing. Was unbelievably painful, we spent the evening together, and in many ways Ayn was there too. Eventually along with Lyric we passed out in the living room. This morning has been very hard as well, though no tears have been shed yet. It feels like a death, her beautiful sing song voice echoes in my head.... "Daddy I want a treat!", "Tickle mee Daddy!"....."It's ok Daddy, everything is going to be ok.". So much for no tears. Going to spend a couple hours hugging my son and trying to explain to him how it is that the world is not just a scary place. That though pocked with pain and sadness it is full of joy and triumph as well. I'll be back soon.
November 13 (Derek's Birthday)
Want to know what hurts the most about today? Ayn knows when my birthday is, Ayn knows when anyone's birthday she has ever heard is, she remembers them all... She knows the date... but she wasn't invited to a party and certainly did not get to host one for me. I love you Ayn. She used to listen to this version of the gummy bear song just because it mentions my birthday and she would pause it right after it says it, and look at me and laugh. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=astISOttCQ0
AYN GIVES MY PICTURE A BIG KISS WHILE IN CARE
December 7
So frustrated right now, being torn in a hundred directions and yet I stare at her picture and feel like crumbling to the floor, everything melts away and I am left with an aching void and welling up of pain. Going to take a moment to hug my boys and collect myself.
Ayn's 10th Birthday – December 14, 2011
I figured I would create a doc to summarize some of the things which we are working on for Ayn's birthday, perhaps it will help to facilitate others involvement.
1- Balloons: We will be releasing balloons and/or photographing balloons on her birthday from all over, If you would like to include yourself that would be awesome, all you'll need is a balloon and a sharpie marker, write your birthday wishes to her and snap a shot. Helium and release is optional :)
1b- I will be filling and blowing up several hundred balloons on the 13th hoping to have them all ready in time for her birthday, just how to get them to her I do not yet know... I will be discussing this with several people over the next few day to try to facilitate this as best I can. the options are: Amie visit, school, MCFD delivery, foster home.
2- Cards: I hope ayn will receive many many cards for her birthday, individual ones are great and Jean Nicol is arranging a large one with individual messages. So let her know if you would like your name and message added :) Here is the address to send the cards to:
Ayn vanDyk c/o MCFD
2828 Cruickshank St,
Abbotsford BC Canada
V2T 5M3
3- A Cake: I am hoping to find a place which can add a picture to the top of a cake to help lift Ayn's spirits a bit, and yet keep her family in the front of her mind. Mindblowing that this can and is happening. have yet to select a photo which is another decision to be made in the next couple of days.
4-Balloon and Birthday Wishes event: here we can share our photos from the day and I will try to comment on posts throughout the day, which will no doubt be a very shattering day emotionally.
http://www.facebook.com/events/287821591257014/
I think that is all if I have left anything out feel free to add it, and any other suggestions let us know :)
Jan 23, 2012
We arrived early for the case conference which was set to begin at 10:45. It started a bit late, likely closer to 11. The meeting is in an informal setting at a round table where all parties are to discuss the situation as it stands, what the hang ups are and how we can move forward from here. Time is very short so all points are made in extreme brevity, I tried my best to outline some of my frustrations and concerns.
I did not walk away with any greater understanding of MCFD's position, though they were questioned about it many times. My understanding of the "conference" before entering was that it was my chance to finally get the judicial process to the point where I can argue my position before an unbiased judge. In that it was successful, there was alot of pressure to put off the trial and wait until after mediation. However, I was adamant that I wanted that opportunity.
It was very emotional for me, I cried several times, and tried to get them to see the harm they were doing to a beautiful girl and her loving family. My lawyer requested a brief recess towards the end to try to reduce my emotions, upon my return I did get them to agree to a trial. With that we set off to the court clerk to find some available dates.... well my lawyer did, I went outside where my emotions again poured out rather embarrassingly. A group member did happen to pop in and was right there to let me cry on their shoulder.
I then went in to sign off that I had received my dates (yet another pink slip); but this one was different it was the finishline, win or lose it will be the end. So here they are: Oct 23rd- pretrial, Dec 7th- Trial begins, Jan 30th 2013 second trial date, Jan 31st third, Feb 1st fourth, Feb 14th fifth, and finally Feb 15th completion (this could elongate mind you). So now finally we can see the end of the judicial process, a year away but we can see it. This does not mean that the ministerial process is over but that the oversight of the courts has reached its point where a trial is set to determine the justifiability of this.
I am meeting with the new SW on Wed, where I do hope to discern where this process is headed from here in terms of the ministry, I hope to continue where it had left off but as of yet I am still in limbo.
I do know that are going to begin drafting a counter proposal to offer me, but I have to wait weeks longer for that to complete, it is "hoped" that it could be done by Feb 24th, a week prior to my Formal mediation which is scheduled for March 2, I believe.
So tonight I ponder what to do and where to go from here, lots of possibilities lie before me and I am sorting through it all. Will be posting more and am hopeful that I'll get lots of input and advice from everyone.
So where to even begin.... as I am sure most would understand the last 8 ½ months have been beyond nightmarish. Tortuous does not begin to describe this either, the reality is that I have dedicated my life to my kids. I have dropped everything to ensure their happiness and development and to have this culminate in an attack by my own government, who has taken no time to understand my children or my family yet claim some authoritarian power over it is monstrous. To make matters worse this is being done under the guise of “help”. They throw around phrases like “child’s best interest” as if they empower them with some dictatorial aura, yet have no idea what those words even mean.
We are now 8 ½ months in..... 263 days..... and my daughter has yet to see an autism expert. The closest she came was a tertiary glance by their resident expert on day 45, who told them to not treat my child as a psych patient. I have requested the assessment, input and opinion of an autism expert since the very beginning, yet we continue to wait. How quickly they rushed to have her drugged and put into a psych ward, yet still have yet to enlist the expertise of an expert in her known, diagnosed condition... autism. I have spent dozens and dozens of hours trying to explain the situation to them, trying to explain how to appropriately treat a child with autism, to try to get them to understand the concerning behaviours of autism and how it was this terrible mistake was made.
Within the first six months Ayn had already had 4 different social workers, this fact has been used as a consistent excuse by MCFD who justifies their inaction and ignorance with a claim of “staffing issues”. And while I try to be empathetic to the daunting task faced by each new worker to get caught up to speed, the reality is that my child and family continues to languish whilst this persists. And rather than pick up where we left off with the previous social worker they simply want to begin anew, of course each time however we are further along in the unabating process.
MCFD continues to arrive to the variety of meetings uninformed, operating under a blanket liability protection which does not hold them to any standard of quality.
What I am about to type will require qualification and I will be drawing up an elaborate timeline of this whole ordeal to do so; however the reality is that MCFD has not done anything in terms of an investigation or a plan of care since Sept 20th, nothing. On Sept 26th they were granted a 22 day interim order to give them time to complete an investigation (which never happened), we are still operating under that interim order to this day... that is 159 days.... on a 22 day order. Now is the painfully slow judicial process to blame? No not really, it would be nice if the wait times were not as long as they are, but that is no excuse for MCFD to literally have done nothing in terms of my daughters care or keeping me informed of her well being. I have faced: broken promises, lies, threats, stonewalling, willful ignorance, silence... ohhh the silence.
Now as per the restrictions on my speech in regards to the Mar 2nd Mediation, I will try to elaborate on my understanding therein. Sect 24 of the CFCSA is quite clear that anything “obtained” in mediation must not be disclosed, so in essence anything NEW which was disclosed at mediation cannot be disclosed, except under a few circumstances which I likely do not meet, except arguably “d) if the disclosure is necessary for a child’s safety”. However until I get some further clarification on that point I will refrain from such disclosure. Now that does not mean I have to shut up or that anyone else does either, as a matter of fact screaming from the rooftops is one of the few recourses left available to us and I intend to use it.
With that said I am facing an escalating battle not an improving one, one which is taking place on many different fronts; my time on FB will be limited, my time in front of cameras or in print will be on the rise, and the time I need to spend studying will also continue to be pressed only to the limits of my fatigue. I ask for everyone’s help spreading the word about this and keeping up a dialog on how it is we got to this point and what we can do to inform others of what is happening, not simply in regards to Ayn, but to the “child protection system” which has strayed so far from its goal to now become an imposing threat to the safety of children and not the heroic saviour they would like to cast themselves to be. If the populace knew how this worked it would not be tolerated, and in fact will serve as a clear exemplification of why the granting of such powers under blanket liability protections is a terrible and dangerous thing.
So please please please, walk with me in this battle, in whatever capacity your individual talents endow. We have been setting up groups to facilitate this movement, and will need all the help we can get; what it will take is simply communication and coordination between everyone.
We love our kids, and we as their parents need to advocate for them.... to treat an issue as serious as the removal of a child(ren) with such casual disregard is not tolerable, my child is not a number....
Her name is Ayn... she has hopes, dreams, fears and loves.... I am one of them and I will not let her down.
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