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Sept 26....................Day 103
The long awaited hearing date, my mom picked up Amie early and came over to my house, I kept Lyric home from school, and we sat together awaiting the fate which lay ahead. Was not an incredibly upsetting day for me as I had prepared myself for this moment and was made aware of this outcome on Day 5 by my lawyer... No shock... No tears... No disbelief. Just a rush of sympathy for Ayn and how much longer she has to sit drugged in a basement. I hope they are being good to her. I hope they see how sweet she can be, and realize just how smart and understanding a child they are now caring for. I have spent the last 9 years of my life protecting her from all the dangers that lurk yet always trying to let her test her limits and to learn that she can overcome these obstacles placed before her. To have that responsibility ripped from me under the guise of helping either her or myself is a monstrous paradox. Why not just expel her? I'd even happily endure exile than subject my child and family to this sort of "help". Ignorance and power are not to be mixed, and here we have built a system which though may be marginally successful at protecting the innocent child from an abusive family; conversely abuses any innocent family caught within its "protection".
Sept 23...............Day 100!
Been spending these days leading up to the conclusion of the presentation hearing (touch wood) researching a variety of elements pertaining to the use of drugs vs ABA therapy and the various programs which could be set up to address this rather than drugging Ayn in school.
Boggles my mind that I am even in this fight, never would have imagined I'd be faced with battling my own government over whether or not they can coercively medicate my daughter. Some decisions should simply be left with the family and if they did not like it perhaps they could take the time to educate themselves on my daughter and approach me rationally. The reality is they do claim the right to be able to do this to us at their will, and as I am finding out there is no way to escape the maw without facing it head on and going through it.
Frankly this is not their decision, and if they wanted to emulate the successes I was having in the home in the school environment then why would we drug her senses. It is not their brain to drug... and they can mind their own damn business. Since when is it that they believe they received the right to pump chemicals into a child without the permission of parents....?
Because one ministry (education) cannot handle her, another (MCFD) can remove and yet another (health) medicate, all while waiting for yet a fourth ministry (justice) even authorize the removal??? Where does the family sit?... We wait and watch... facing apologies for heavy caseloads and a lack of resources. One parent's nightmare.
Ok so have written this a few times, Lou keeps coming and closing my tab as soon as I get up to do anything, so cannot move til this is done this time. The day began with Lyric in the bathroom with diarhea and not toilet paper... fun fun. After averting the disaster in progress came breakfast then got Wyatt to continue his work on energy technologies.
Sept 19...........Day 96
Was Lyric's first day of school today, he has to catch the bus a 10 min walk away at 7:30, so he's about to become quite the early riser. The day went very well, the building is very big compared to any of his previous schools, this is a middle school grades 6, 7, 8. Lyric was very awestruck to the point of excitement, wanted to explore everything and settled right into the class/ resource room as if it were his own.
The teacher seems really good, perhaps too good, was an athletic man and the room is staffed by 6 TA's, these people are more experienced with someone of Lyric's size. There are several other autistic children as well as some adorable down syndrome kids, we all went for a walk to the local park and played on the equipment there.
Was a good day, funny too because there happened to be an assembly that morning, Lyric stood in the main foyer on a stage, and flapped happily away at all the kids as they meandered past on their way to assembly. I am sure he made quite the impression... the world is such a joyous place for Lou (Lyric's nickname).
Wyatt is still plugging away with his microscope, making observations and sketches on just about anything magnifiable.
I have been struggling with pressure exerted from all sides on my decision not to see Ayn, not that I'm wavering just wish my reasoning was better understood. Will write something up for everyone soon.
Sept 18............Day 95
Was a very busy day today, Lyric finally starts school tomorrow and wanted to make sure everything was ready. Wyatt also has been working with his microscope alot and he needed help preparing slides. Got to spend some time talking with an old friend too, he was able to help me keep things in perspective and redirect my energies.
Ayn never drifts far from the forefront of my mind though... it's like an ever present void, not the existence of something but the lack thereof. This house once teemed with her sounds: blaring cartoons, music, singing and laughter... filled now with eerie quiet. So much of what we did as a family centered around Ayn, she was very often the navigator of this ship.
Lyric is always so happy go lucky and Wyatt is considerate so Ayn often selected our activities. She loved to bake, chocolate chip cookies or pink cake, she knows every incredient and measurement we need. But definitely her favourite thing was to listen to music and write, such a creative little girl... now dulled and sedated.
Really makes you wonder how such treatment could be considered to be in her best interest... within hours of removal without ever having spoken to me or anyone else who knew her. Where is the logic... where is the reason... where is the empathy?
It's hard to stay aware of the bubble I find myself in, always reading these documents, white papers and transcripts. I try to follow cases everywhere yet focus on BC and the CFCSA. The legislation across the western world seems to be crafted very similarly, as if each modelled off the same template. Quite foreboding reading, it does however tend to distort ones perception of the present. ...Hence I have to be ever aware of all elements of policy transformation. Simultaneously I have two boys to care for, a household to manage, therapy to structure and memories of a little girl suffusing my every thought. Every minute becomes very precious and prioritized, there is simply not enough time in the day to accomplish everything I would like to. Spent quite a bit of time talking to Amie last night, we discussed the visitation, something we strongly disagree on. Amie and myself are both very thoughtful and stubborn people, but easily find union on one very important matter.... our love for our kids. We do not question one anothers motives. This decision of mine has been an incredibly difficult one and quite controversial, I will endeavour in the coming days to justify my actions in a doc, as many have questioned my rationale. This whole nightmare seems to get more surreal as the days pass. If anyone has a question they would like me to address here feel free to PM me or email me at: firstname.lastname@example.org , let me know if you would like your name included with the question, or if you would just like to hear the answer.
Ayn at present is in a foster home, living in a separate suite downstairs with 24 hr caregivers. She is being medicated daily with Risperdal, and sporadically "as needed" with Seroquel if she tantrums. Benadryl and melatonin are also administered. Both Risperdal and Seroquel are neuroleptic (nerve seizing) atypical antipsychotics, with long lists of side effects.
She attends the same school she did last year, as a result of which I have had to move Lyric to a new school, which fortunately does seem to be very suited to his needs. Wyatt is studying the eucaryotic cell, learning about integers and working away on a book report about the revolutionary war.
Today for me was a bit of recovery, since yesterday morning was surreally difficult. The reason being that I am facing a process which is multifaceted yet each path takes months.... months.... It has already been months, why subject her to this? Because she was unruly? Because she knew just how to get her way at school and bullied them around. She is a little autistic girl, she doesn't understand how sentient we all are, this is her universe and she does not want to be told what to do in it... but she is learning. And she has gotten so much better, I know what the school is facing I have faced it too. But long ago I succeeded in teaching Ayn that violence will not get her what she wants, that she needs to use her words.The school system I'm afraid is simply not ready for some autistic kids just as they are not ready for it.
Ayn is a very bright little girl, her disability does not lie in her vocabulary or intelligence but in her social interaction. She is affectionate and caring but solitary and emotional. She loves music and art, photography and the internet. She does not need to be drugged for her "well being" she was perfectly happy in the home. And when I think about this taking months longer I am flooded with a range of emotions.
So today I spent the moring getting the boys on task, I had a meeting with community services at 10:30 til 12. Chasing moments here and there to work on what I can, always able to think about this but time to work on it is more limited. Kim has been a huge help, he watches the boys daily at this point, which is fun to watch as wyatt and kim try to make eachother and lyric laugh. budding comedians.